EcountHER.

Hypo: a popular Nigerian bleaching agent, also meaning a lie or fake as in ‘ na wash’.

Christian: a follower of Christ.

Hypo-Christian(or should I say hypocrite): do the math using the above formula.

You’d probably know her as the first usher you see at church every Sunday. Or as my favorite title SISTER.

Never date a church girl.

Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t say Christian girl o! The thing is, there’s a confusing thin line between the two. But the difference is in the HYPOCHRIStIANITy actually. EncountHerswill explain better, if you have experienced any. I suggest you heed my advice if you haven’t.

You’d probably be at a wedding when this Sister catches your attention. Not your type of chick, but witty enough to get you interested. Then the Gospel talk slides in. By the time she’s done with you, the clergy in your church will be to strike you as not so inspiring. That should be after she must have given you reasons why she isn’t a Roman Catholic (as I am). You might not believe me, but you would definitely be in her church the next Sunday. You may not like what you’ll encounter, but, you’ll definitely come back because of sister.

A month most likely, you’ll decide against all odds that she’s the perfect wife for you. Her fountain of life quotes on social media, intelligent conversations and choice of chastity bla bla… being the sum of your wife-material quota. You’d tell her how you feel about her and of course, she’ll need to pray to get God’s affirmation.

A few weeks later, you’ll be enjoying your status as her man. Buying her gifts would now begin to feel like tithe. Literally. The real deal begins when she starts spending nights in your house. This has nothing to do with the long harmless first kiss. I am talking about the expertise exploration of her hands all over your body later on. Do not be astonished by the acts of your little angel ; I suggest you save the expression on your face for later. A huge mistake would be popping her cherry, which was one I made. Do not let her touches or bodily affirmation or a slight head nod fool you into thinking she is ready. Because that would be the beginning of Christian edicts and decrees. The kind you find in Leviticus in case you don’t understand what I mean. It would take ages to get accustomed to the rules, as a badT guy you are, but you’ll decide to trudge ahead.

A few weeks into the rules you may notice her breaking all the rules she set. Do not be fooled!!! Even if she’s playing with your little man, Do Not respond to stimuli. Because at this point she would break up the relationship, as it was in my case. Definitely with a text message the following day; after she must have ignored 50 calls from you. Do not be worried at this point brother, she’s fortifying herself with scriptures. The message should come in this form

“You are a threat to my Christian life. I suggest we go our separate ways.”

You would be confused at this point so now would be the time to make the astonished face I was talking about.

These sisters come as best friends too!

Do not think you’re free from this EncountHER because you are a Female. In this category, she’ll not only leave you astonished, she’ll leave you mystified.

Don’t engage in worldly conversations with her. I mean BF convo in case you don’t understand. Whatever thing you’re doing should be kept to yourself. Don’t let your body even tell your soul, because she might find out from whatever bestie-psychic-bond you two might be sharing. Except you want to end up as a Sunday testimony.

Sexcapades are totally off the table, if you have any. Because even if God has forgiven you, she will not. Just pray you wouldn’t be crossing the road or swallowing fufu the day she sends you a text message like this:

“The rag in my kitchen is better than your soul.”